Chi-town and Rhode Island

On my last trip overseas, I headed back to the US after five days in London. I made videos of both of them yet I'm way too drunk in the London one so I feel as though I should censor you all and not upload it. My trip to America was incredible, visiting Chicago and Rhode Island. Chicago was enormous and spectacular. I literally had to work out for an hour everyday to keep from becoming the size of a house. The food was amazing including sumptuous hot dogs, delicious giant pretzels and greasy deep dish pizzas. I love my food so I didn't say no to anything that was put in front of me. Buffallo wings were a new delicacy for me so I chowed down on those in between large servings of bagels & cream cheese and enchilladas. Everything was either dipped in cheese, covered in BBQ sauce or deep fried. Can anyone say AMAZING? Sure it's not cultured cuisine but it sure was delicious. I ate the best nachos in the world from a baseball helmet at a White Sox game and slurped down Miller Lite in Wrigleyville.
Rhode Island on the other hand was small and beautiful. I stayed in Newport, which is a small seaside town filled with enormous mansions, giant yachts, beautiful beaches and adorable seaside restaurants. It will forever go down as one of the prettiest places I've ever visited. I sampled clam chowder, lobster mac & cheese and as much homemade lemonade as I could drink. I stayed in a beautiful mansion owned by the Keefe family that was home to their seven children and four standard poodles- one of which took a particular liking to me, yikes.
One thing I do have to say about America is that I was surprised how amazingly friendly, helpful and welcoming everyone was. The people in America really are the most lovely people I have ever met. They're so full of life all the time and will always surprise you.

Footy tips video

Here's the video I shot for Herald Sun for their Round 17 Footy on My Mind segment :)

P&G Salon conference

Last Saturday night, I was luckily enough to be involved in the P&G Wella Professional Salon Conference at the beautiful Hotel Windsor in Melbourne CBD. Each of the models represented an influential and powerful woman from the decades from the 1920's up until now. These women included Coco Chanel, Madonna, Betty Davis and many more beautiful and inspiring women. The MC for the night was the stunning and talented Justine McInerney. I was styled as Katharine Hepburn. Do you see the resemblance?

Middle Child Syndrome

Today I decided to have a little rant. I feel as though all the middle children out there can relate. Whoever says "middle child syndrome" doesn't exist is a dirty dirty liar. I am a middle child and it sucks. I don't quite understand how it got to this stage. I'm writing this because I'm all huffy about an incident that happened today. I walked the thousand steps today, because I'm a fucking champion, and I was therefore late to work as was previously discussed with my mum. As it is, I work for my mum in a gift shop so yes she can't fire me and I'm usually on facebook or playing the Sims all day but whatever. When I got home, I was as sweaty as a 13 year old at a Justin Bieber concert hence immediate action was required. I got to work at 12:10, which, unbeknownst to me was late. Why was I late? My mum had a lunch date with my older sister to which I was not invited. As I was writing this, my mum just called. The conversation went like this:
Mum: "Have you had anyone in? What are you doing?"
Me: "Nop, I'm bored. I'm doing important business related tasks."- meaning I was watching inbetweeners clips on youtube
Mum: "I sold an overnight bag."
Me: "Oh congratulations, I'll make you a medal."
Mum: "It's better than you ever do. Stephanie sold FOUR paintings last week."

Rude mum. Just rude.

Our family is really eventful, I'm actually surprised no one has jumped on the idea of making "Keeping up with the Macfarlane's". My sister is Kim, my brother is Kourtney and I'm Khloe. On a particular episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians, Khloe tried to make Kris have a maternity test to prove that Khloe is in fact her daughter as she says that she is treated differently to the others. I'm tempted, I mean I look nothing like my mum. I got jibbed. Mum got big boobs, let's just say I didn't quite inherit those and mum let's me know it. Also something funky, dad gives my sister a kiss everytime she gets home from work, talks baby to her and they have "cuddles". Eew. I'm happy with a fist pump. The affection I get from dad is when he discusses how he has noticed that I have acquired cellulite. At the dinner table. In front of company. Love you too dad!
I feel like this favouritism started years ago, even as a child. I may sound like I have a chip on my shoulder or that I'm overreacting....and maybe I am but I still feel as though I'm missing out. I swear to God everytime I go out or I'm not home, my family goes out for dinner. Another problem is that my clothes keep mysteriously disappearing from my room....and ending up in the storage closet? I recently found out that if my mum doesn't like me clothes, she hides them so I can't wear them. Sneaky.

Ok, there's my little bitch. It's sickening even to me how much of a spoilt brat I am.


Replace "Meg" with "Emily"

Lying tourists

I’ve begun to notice a ridiculous amount of travel being done by people I know. It’s become the cool thing to do and if you’re not doing it, there’s something wrong with you. I can’t stand it when someone who travels a lot or have done so in the past claims they caught the “travel bug” and won’t stop going on about the cool things they’ve done and giving you advice on places they’ve been. I admit, I travel a lot so maybe I’m just as bad as these people...yikes. I do notice though that these people leave out a lot when telling people about their awesome time they had overseas. I’m here to inform you.


Number 1: “OMG it was so funny. I had a flight at like, 5am so I just went straight from the clubs to the airport! Such a good idea!”

WTF?! This is a blatant lie. I will bet you a hundred bucks they were in the bathroom throwing up last night’s tequila or queezilly eyeing off their vomit bag. There is nothing worse than flying hungover or super drunk. I’ve flown hungover a few times and it is revolting. I guarantee you that flying makes your hangover at least five times worse. If you can sleep it off a little in the plane it helps but usually you just feel like arse. NEVER go out the night before you fly unless your flight isn’t until at least 12:30pm.

Number 2: “I was so jetlagged for about a week, it was so shit.”

I don’t really believe in jetlag that much. I think it’s people just not regulating their sleep and being pussies. I’ve been jetlagged maybe twice before???? Seriously, if you get some sleep on the plane and go to bed at the earliest 9pm in your destination then you should be fine. You may be tired early at night for the next few nights but it is not that bad if you man up and throw back a red bull.

Number 3: “I just love travelling. It’s awesome being in one place and then the next day being half way across the world!”

Ummm yeah, except that it takes at least a day to get half way across the world and generally two days to get back because of the time difference. Super fail. I recently had to travel from London to Melbourne. Now, I had to be back by Friday but was only informed on Monday night. I left on Wednesday night arriving on Friday morning. It is pretty difficult to change your plans once you are overseas if you have to come home. Plus, you get off the plane not being able to fit into your shoes because your feet have swollen, your face has broken out, your hair is greasy and the rest of your body feels like jelly. Let’s face it, there’s not a lot you can do when you first arrive somewhere after a long plane trip.

Number 4: “I sat next to this super hot guy (or girl...whatever floats your boat) and we talked the whole way there! Then we went out that night!”

Until my last long haul flight, I had never really spoken to anyone for longer than five minutes on a plane. Generally you get stuck next to someone who has one or more of these problems:

• Their fat is spilling under the arm rest onto your chair

• They smell like Jenna Jameson’s bed on a weeknight

• They’ve fallen asleep on your shoulder and their drool is running down your arm

• They have a bladder the size of a peanut

• They either have the nostril or anal symphonics of a freight train

I’m just going to put it out there- don’t ever expect anyone good to be sitting next to you. It won’t happen. Never. Ever. Unless you’re super lucky. But usually, no.



Don’t get me wrong, I love travelling but I can’t stand flying. It makes me want to throw myself of a cliff. Call me cynical but I find it the most horrible thing in the world...pardon the pun. Was that even a pun? Or a funny joke? Doubtful. I’ll stop now.

When everyone thinks they're God....

I’ve begun to notice that there are more and more people out there who abuse their privilege when in a position of power- kind of similar to a Hitler like power trip minus the killing of large groups of people and funny moustache. I’m talking bouncers, ticket inspectors, parking officers and bag inspectors at the airport. These people are taking it too far and annoying the shit out of me. Shall we start with bouncers?


You know your typical bouncer, a beast of a man who could take you out in one punch and has probably done so to many patrons before you. These are the type of people you don’t want to mess with, not only because they can kick you out of a club but because they could get you placed in a hospital. The thing that kills me is when you’re waiting in a queue in the freezing cold and a group of 15 year old girls in tops disguised as dresses walk towards the front of the line. Their parents don’t even know that they’re out on a school night but they just got let into a club ahead of all of the people who legally should be allowed in. I was recently told about an encounter between a group of guys that I know and a bouncer at a popular nightclub in Melbourne *cough* Boutique *cough*. These well dressed lads strolled up to the front door only to be greeted with “nah not tonight boys” by the bouncer. These chums were clearly surprised by this statement and when they questioned as to why this was the case, they were met with “it’s just not gonna happen tonight, see ya”. These guys were knocked back for no other reason than the bouncer just didn’t feel like letting them in.

Another group of people who love abusing their power is ticket officers on the train. Let me pose this question to you: why should someone have to pay a $175 fine for not paying the extra $2 when purchasing a concession ticket to which they can show evidence of a student card proving that they are in fact entitled to a concession card? I am really lazy and haven’t been bothered to get my concession form approved so when asked to show my concession card on a train a few weeks ago, I explained my story to the officer as well as showing him my student I.D. He then went on to take my details as well as use the line “anything you do say, can and will be used against you”. Who the hell did he think he was? A police officer on the set of Law & Order? No, he was just a wanker with a notepad and a fake badge.

This is one I know everyone can relate to: parking inspectors. I get so many parking fines and I have to write so many letters to councils showing them how truly incompetent their staff are. These people are so low that they will wait until the second hand ticks over while standing in front of someone’s car just so they can give them a ticket. Imagine being a ticket officer, somehow getting a girlfriend and meeting her parents for the first time. I imagine the conversation would go something like this:

Parking Inspector Twat: Hello Mr and Mrs Smith. What a FINE home you have. Shame you don’t have on street parking though.

Father of stupid girl dating Parking Inspector Twat: Oh why thankyou. So nice to finally meet you. Now, our daughter hasn’t told us what you do! Please tell!

Parking Inspector Twat: I’m a parking inspector (said while adjusting tie and whipping out plastic badge)

-----------------------------------------------------awkward silence----------------------------------------------------

Just a tip to all those reading, if you wish to have everyone dislike you for your entire life, become a parking inspector but if not, find another job.

Lastly, people at airports. It’s a commonly known fact that airlines stuff up all the time. There are not only delays and cancellations but other problems such as losing your bags and overbooking flights. Do people ever get compensation if their flight is delayed or cancelled? No. But the airline definitely gets to keep your money if you’re five minutes late for your flight. Lately the people who have been bothering me are people who check in your bags and the people at security screening. Tiger is the worst for checked baggage and carry on. I figure that their flights are so cheap so they can trick you into paying extra for EVERYTHING! Those bitches. I am a Qantas girl through and through and I will never fly with Tiger again after my experience with them. To put it simply, they charged me $30 to check in at the airport and tried to charge me $70 because my bag was 700g over the limit. Any problem you have at the check in can be solved if you flip a bitch and demand to see the manager. People do not like confrontation so they try to avoid it, meaning you will generally get your way by being an arsehole. I have encountered some really strange people in the security screening area also. On one of my recent trips, I got asked where I was going by one of the men checking the bags. When I replied “Africa”, he said “but you’re not black”. It transported me back to mean girls when Karen says “so if you’re from Africa, why are you white?” but this was some 45 year old guy at the airport. I was also more recently informed that skipping ropes aren’t allowed on aeroplanes as they are considered a weapon as they can apparently strangle people or be used to tie them up. Riiiiiight. “Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden”.

Post Secret

For quite a few years now, I have been religiously addicted to Post Secret. I love reading people's secrets but I've always been either too lazy or too scared to send in my own. Here are a few of my favourites I've collected over the years....maybe I share these secrets a little bit too.

maybe you would like to make your own....