Barbara lives in Bank world

Last weekend, I became a mother. No the baby wasn’t human but I swear it was just as hard as having a real baby. My friend Tegan was going to a wedding with her family so for some reason she trusted me with her tiny kitten for the night. The thing I like the most about this kitten is that her name is Barbara. She was named after Barbara from bank world because they’re both rangas. So Barbara and I were to spend the night together. I clearly didn’t know what I had signed up for.

I figured since I’d somehow managed to bring up my cat just fine, this cat should be a breeze. Admittedly, she did use her little tray like a clever little cat unlike my cat who used to use my bed as a toilet. No joke, I once came home from not being there for a few days to find my cat had left me a gift of 5 piles of poop and 9 little puddles on my bed. Thanks Kitty. Bitch.

Barbara was a little more cunning than this. She had a very odd routine where she would sleep for two hours then play for two hours. In the beginning this was very cute because she’d snuggle up on my chest while I was watching tv then play with my shoelaces for a bit. She also ate every hour. Unfortunately, this routine didn’t change when I went to bed.

Off to bed went Barbara and I after a long six hours of watching TV. She had a little play in my room and then it was off to sleep....for an hour. Barbara starts crying. Why is Barbara crying? Barbara’s hungry. Barbara must be fed. So I get up begrudgingly, feed Barbara and go back to sleep...for two hours. Barbara begins to bite my face. But why? She’s had enough sleep and now wants to play.”But Barbara, it’s 3am, mummy needs sleep!” I plead, but there is no rest for the wicked. I think that’s why God made babies cute, so when they annoy the crap out of us we can’t hate them and throw them out the window.

Also awkward, my cat tried to kill her. Barbara, being the little darling she is, went to introduce herself to Kitty while Kitty was having dinner. From what I understood in cat language, their conversation went like this:

Barbara: Harro, I’m Barbara

Kitty: Wanna get cut bitch?

Luckily, I swooped in to rescue Barbara before she was eaten. It’s so weird how after you see a kitten and then you see an adult cat, the big cat is immediately uglier and less cute than it was before. My cat is still ugly and obese to me, even a week after Barbara left. She’s dead to me....ok a little harsh.

This entire experience made me realise I am not having babies for a very long time. Getting woken up every two hours is NOT enjoyable, no matter how cute the baby is. So use protection!

Just for your entertainment, this is me getting fed ice cream while my cat tries to eat it. Yep, pointless video.