Break me off a piece of that

I’m hearing whispers of a new breed of man being created. A real man, who wreaks of sweat, dirt and petrol instead of the new Calvin Klein shirt he bought himself yesterday. A guy who is ready to kill that spider on your wall instead of running out of the room screaming while you drown it in deodorant. A bloke who’s drinking a beer instead of a vodka and raspberry. I have one word for this: delicious.

It seemed for a while there all guys were hung up on this obsession of being a “metrosexual”, where they would be caught stealing their mum’s razors to shave the patch on their chest visible through the v-neck cut into their perfectly good t-shirts and borrowing her concealer for that pesky zit on their chin. It seemed shopping to this breed of man was more exciting for them than for females and their brand new snake skin brothel creepers teamed up nicely with their skinny hipster jeans and tight pink shirt. Sure every girl loves it when a guy smells scrumptious but when that’s due to the fact they’ve just borrowed their girlfriend’s moisturiser, that is not cute. Not cute at all.

The metrosexual would be more likely spotted in the gym sipping on a protein shake or at a cafe eating a salad rather than in his natural habitat eating a pie at the footy or a sausage roll in a lumber yard. If you’re going to go to the gym, pump some iron or lift a few cars. Think Superman not Ben Affleck.

It seems that the bloke is back, giving way from a metro to go retro- retrosexual that is. No girl wants to be seen with a guy at the beach who’s oiling himself up and pulling up his short shorts to get an even tan. It’s called man sheen, and it appears when a guy is playing footy in the water in a pair of shorts that are longer than his mid thigh. Get it? Another thing, a real man should know how to deal with a flat tire or can unblock a drain. I sure as hell can’t so if I could call up a friend to clean my pipes instead of a professional, that would be mighty helpful....wow, that actually sounds like a porno. Moving on! I digress!

This new man is more Bear Grylls (drool) over Justin Timberlake. Those who don’t know who Bear Grylls is, please bash your head into a wall then come back and continue reading....all done? Cool bananas. Bear Grylls is the man all guys should look up to as he is the star of Man Vs. Wild. He could wrestle a tiger with his bare hands (or should I say “Bear” hands...wow, I’m so funny. Note to self: no one thinks you’re as funny as you think you are). He literally just carries a knife around and cup and he can survive in the Amazon! If that’s not impressive, I don’t know what is. I’m talking Rambo here people, guys who man up, rub some dirt in it and get the job done!

I’m not saying to guys stop showering and grow a beard resembling Osama Bin Laden but just get it together! Men get the stereotype of being the stronger human beings so act like it and stop stealing my moisturiser!