Lying tourists

I’ve begun to notice a ridiculous amount of travel being done by people I know. It’s become the cool thing to do and if you’re not doing it, there’s something wrong with you. I can’t stand it when someone who travels a lot or have done so in the past claims they caught the “travel bug” and won’t stop going on about the cool things they’ve done and giving you advice on places they’ve been. I admit, I travel a lot so maybe I’m just as bad as these people...yikes. I do notice though that these people leave out a lot when telling people about their awesome time they had overseas. I’m here to inform you.


Number 1: “OMG it was so funny. I had a flight at like, 5am so I just went straight from the clubs to the airport! Such a good idea!”

WTF?! This is a blatant lie. I will bet you a hundred bucks they were in the bathroom throwing up last night’s tequila or queezilly eyeing off their vomit bag. There is nothing worse than flying hungover or super drunk. I’ve flown hungover a few times and it is revolting. I guarantee you that flying makes your hangover at least five times worse. If you can sleep it off a little in the plane it helps but usually you just feel like arse. NEVER go out the night before you fly unless your flight isn’t until at least 12:30pm.

Number 2: “I was so jetlagged for about a week, it was so shit.”

I don’t really believe in jetlag that much. I think it’s people just not regulating their sleep and being pussies. I’ve been jetlagged maybe twice before???? Seriously, if you get some sleep on the plane and go to bed at the earliest 9pm in your destination then you should be fine. You may be tired early at night for the next few nights but it is not that bad if you man up and throw back a red bull.

Number 3: “I just love travelling. It’s awesome being in one place and then the next day being half way across the world!”

Ummm yeah, except that it takes at least a day to get half way across the world and generally two days to get back because of the time difference. Super fail. I recently had to travel from London to Melbourne. Now, I had to be back by Friday but was only informed on Monday night. I left on Wednesday night arriving on Friday morning. It is pretty difficult to change your plans once you are overseas if you have to come home. Plus, you get off the plane not being able to fit into your shoes because your feet have swollen, your face has broken out, your hair is greasy and the rest of your body feels like jelly. Let’s face it, there’s not a lot you can do when you first arrive somewhere after a long plane trip.

Number 4: “I sat next to this super hot guy (or girl...whatever floats your boat) and we talked the whole way there! Then we went out that night!”

Until my last long haul flight, I had never really spoken to anyone for longer than five minutes on a plane. Generally you get stuck next to someone who has one or more of these problems:

• Their fat is spilling under the arm rest onto your chair

• They smell like Jenna Jameson’s bed on a weeknight

• They’ve fallen asleep on your shoulder and their drool is running down your arm

• They have a bladder the size of a peanut

• They either have the nostril or anal symphonics of a freight train

I’m just going to put it out there- don’t ever expect anyone good to be sitting next to you. It won’t happen. Never. Ever. Unless you’re super lucky. But usually, no.



Don’t get me wrong, I love travelling but I can’t stand flying. It makes me want to throw myself of a cliff. Call me cynical but I find it the most horrible thing in the world...pardon the pun. Was that even a pun? Or a funny joke? Doubtful. I’ll stop now.

When everyone thinks they're God....

I’ve begun to notice that there are more and more people out there who abuse their privilege when in a position of power- kind of similar to a Hitler like power trip minus the killing of large groups of people and funny moustache. I’m talking bouncers, ticket inspectors, parking officers and bag inspectors at the airport. These people are taking it too far and annoying the shit out of me. Shall we start with bouncers?


You know your typical bouncer, a beast of a man who could take you out in one punch and has probably done so to many patrons before you. These are the type of people you don’t want to mess with, not only because they can kick you out of a club but because they could get you placed in a hospital. The thing that kills me is when you’re waiting in a queue in the freezing cold and a group of 15 year old girls in tops disguised as dresses walk towards the front of the line. Their parents don’t even know that they’re out on a school night but they just got let into a club ahead of all of the people who legally should be allowed in. I was recently told about an encounter between a group of guys that I know and a bouncer at a popular nightclub in Melbourne *cough* Boutique *cough*. These well dressed lads strolled up to the front door only to be greeted with “nah not tonight boys” by the bouncer. These chums were clearly surprised by this statement and when they questioned as to why this was the case, they were met with “it’s just not gonna happen tonight, see ya”. These guys were knocked back for no other reason than the bouncer just didn’t feel like letting them in.

Another group of people who love abusing their power is ticket officers on the train. Let me pose this question to you: why should someone have to pay a $175 fine for not paying the extra $2 when purchasing a concession ticket to which they can show evidence of a student card proving that they are in fact entitled to a concession card? I am really lazy and haven’t been bothered to get my concession form approved so when asked to show my concession card on a train a few weeks ago, I explained my story to the officer as well as showing him my student I.D. He then went on to take my details as well as use the line “anything you do say, can and will be used against you”. Who the hell did he think he was? A police officer on the set of Law & Order? No, he was just a wanker with a notepad and a fake badge.

This is one I know everyone can relate to: parking inspectors. I get so many parking fines and I have to write so many letters to councils showing them how truly incompetent their staff are. These people are so low that they will wait until the second hand ticks over while standing in front of someone’s car just so they can give them a ticket. Imagine being a ticket officer, somehow getting a girlfriend and meeting her parents for the first time. I imagine the conversation would go something like this:

Parking Inspector Twat: Hello Mr and Mrs Smith. What a FINE home you have. Shame you don’t have on street parking though.

Father of stupid girl dating Parking Inspector Twat: Oh why thankyou. So nice to finally meet you. Now, our daughter hasn’t told us what you do! Please tell!

Parking Inspector Twat: I’m a parking inspector (said while adjusting tie and whipping out plastic badge)

-----------------------------------------------------awkward silence----------------------------------------------------

Just a tip to all those reading, if you wish to have everyone dislike you for your entire life, become a parking inspector but if not, find another job.

Lastly, people at airports. It’s a commonly known fact that airlines stuff up all the time. There are not only delays and cancellations but other problems such as losing your bags and overbooking flights. Do people ever get compensation if their flight is delayed or cancelled? No. But the airline definitely gets to keep your money if you’re five minutes late for your flight. Lately the people who have been bothering me are people who check in your bags and the people at security screening. Tiger is the worst for checked baggage and carry on. I figure that their flights are so cheap so they can trick you into paying extra for EVERYTHING! Those bitches. I am a Qantas girl through and through and I will never fly with Tiger again after my experience with them. To put it simply, they charged me $30 to check in at the airport and tried to charge me $70 because my bag was 700g over the limit. Any problem you have at the check in can be solved if you flip a bitch and demand to see the manager. People do not like confrontation so they try to avoid it, meaning you will generally get your way by being an arsehole. I have encountered some really strange people in the security screening area also. On one of my recent trips, I got asked where I was going by one of the men checking the bags. When I replied “Africa”, he said “but you’re not black”. It transported me back to mean girls when Karen says “so if you’re from Africa, why are you white?” but this was some 45 year old guy at the airport. I was also more recently informed that skipping ropes aren’t allowed on aeroplanes as they are considered a weapon as they can apparently strangle people or be used to tie them up. Riiiiiight. “Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden”.

Post Secret

For quite a few years now, I have been religiously addicted to Post Secret. I love reading people's secrets but I've always been either too lazy or too scared to send in my own. Here are a few of my favourites I've collected over the years....maybe I share these secrets a little bit too.

maybe you would like to make your own....