Lying tourists

I’ve begun to notice a ridiculous amount of travel being done by people I know. It’s become the cool thing to do and if you’re not doing it, there’s something wrong with you. I can’t stand it when someone who travels a lot or have done so in the past claims they caught the “travel bug” and won’t stop going on about the cool things they’ve done and giving you advice on places they’ve been. I admit, I travel a lot so maybe I’m just as bad as these people...yikes. I do notice though that these people leave out a lot when telling people about their awesome time they had overseas. I’m here to inform you.


Number 1: “OMG it was so funny. I had a flight at like, 5am so I just went straight from the clubs to the airport! Such a good idea!”

WTF?! This is a blatant lie. I will bet you a hundred bucks they were in the bathroom throwing up last night’s tequila or queezilly eyeing off their vomit bag. There is nothing worse than flying hungover or super drunk. I’ve flown hungover a few times and it is revolting. I guarantee you that flying makes your hangover at least five times worse. If you can sleep it off a little in the plane it helps but usually you just feel like arse. NEVER go out the night before you fly unless your flight isn’t until at least 12:30pm.

Number 2: “I was so jetlagged for about a week, it was so shit.”

I don’t really believe in jetlag that much. I think it’s people just not regulating their sleep and being pussies. I’ve been jetlagged maybe twice before???? Seriously, if you get some sleep on the plane and go to bed at the earliest 9pm in your destination then you should be fine. You may be tired early at night for the next few nights but it is not that bad if you man up and throw back a red bull.

Number 3: “I just love travelling. It’s awesome being in one place and then the next day being half way across the world!”

Ummm yeah, except that it takes at least a day to get half way across the world and generally two days to get back because of the time difference. Super fail. I recently had to travel from London to Melbourne. Now, I had to be back by Friday but was only informed on Monday night. I left on Wednesday night arriving on Friday morning. It is pretty difficult to change your plans once you are overseas if you have to come home. Plus, you get off the plane not being able to fit into your shoes because your feet have swollen, your face has broken out, your hair is greasy and the rest of your body feels like jelly. Let’s face it, there’s not a lot you can do when you first arrive somewhere after a long plane trip.

Number 4: “I sat next to this super hot guy (or girl...whatever floats your boat) and we talked the whole way there! Then we went out that night!”

Until my last long haul flight, I had never really spoken to anyone for longer than five minutes on a plane. Generally you get stuck next to someone who has one or more of these problems:

• Their fat is spilling under the arm rest onto your chair

• They smell like Jenna Jameson’s bed on a weeknight

• They’ve fallen asleep on your shoulder and their drool is running down your arm

• They have a bladder the size of a peanut

• They either have the nostril or anal symphonics of a freight train

I’m just going to put it out there- don’t ever expect anyone good to be sitting next to you. It won’t happen. Never. Ever. Unless you’re super lucky. But usually, no.



Don’t get me wrong, I love travelling but I can’t stand flying. It makes me want to throw myself of a cliff. Call me cynical but I find it the most horrible thing in the world...pardon the pun. Was that even a pun? Or a funny joke? Doubtful. I’ll stop now.