Creepy crawlies!

Something people don’t know about me is that I’m quite the green thumb and I have a veggie garden. It’s kind of a big deal, I know. I’m practically Don Burke and close to getting my own TV show in Japan. I grow carrots, celery, bok choi, onions and garlic. I also have a feijoa tree...I don’t actually know what a feijoa is but one day this tree will grow some form of fruit and I shall eat its offspring. I also grow my own herbs, have a crappy lemon tree that grows no lemons and I steal mandarins from my neighbour's tree that grows through our tennis court fence.

A few weeks ago I had my first harvest which yielded an abundance of delicious carrots and celery! Sure the carrots were bent and half the size of normal carrots but it was as though they were my children and you’re not supposed to hate your children if they’re ugly. What I didn’t realise is that I had disturbed the giant orgy of some very randy earwigs. I had cockblocked another species. I only realised this when I was proudly carrying my produce into the house and I felt something crawl on me only to look down to see a massive earwig crawling on my hand. As a normal reaction to this, I screamed like a little girl while throwing the vegetables in the air and shaking every part of my body to remove any possible bugs that had clung to me.

So there I was, flipping a bitch in my living room surrounded by vegetables, dirt and literally hundreds of bugs. I shit you not, they were everywhere. You know when you’ve had a bug on you and you get that feeling when it’s like they’re still crawling on you after you’ve gotten rid of them? Imagine that while being surrounded by bugs. It’s pretty easy to feel like they’re crawling all over you when you can see them scuttering around your living room. I believe the medical term for this sensation is formication. It can even lead to delusional parasitosis, which is when a person becomes convinced that this sensation is being caused by actual insects crawling all over them. Creepy much?! I had that recently after I was woken up in the middle of the night by a moth on steroids. I screamed and made my mum kill it while I hysterically jumped around my room in order to avoid it.

To make matters worse in the incident of the evil earwigs, I was the only one in the house so I had to deal with the problem myself! Shiver me timbers! It took me about half an hour, a lot of stamping and a lot of shaking of the celery to get rid of all these pests. Mum didn’t particularly enjoy the clean up-my contribution to the household was food hence excusing me from cleaning up. I don’t think I even ended up eating those veggies.