Sweet skills

I’m broke. Like MC Hammer broke. I ain’t making a dime. I also just realised while trying to write a resume that I have no skills. Sure I’ve got my “responsible service of alcohol” certificate but a monkey in a wig could pass that. I have lots of sweeeeet skills that are not really useful in real life but I find them quite pleasing so I’ll list them.


1. I am the lyrics master. Don’t be jealous, it’s just the way I was born. I can remember the lyrics to pretty much any song including rap... I’ve been called the songbird of my generation. If I listen to a song about twice, I will always know every word. Me and 50 Cent have that in common. It’s a strange and useless talent that I’ve grown very fond of.

2. I know everything there is to know about Harry Potter. When I was the tender age of 14, I had the world’s largest crush on Daniel Radcliffe. I had literally planned how we were going to meet, where we were going to get married and what our children’s names would be. I was a creep. I was also weirdly obsessed with the books and movies so I was obviously devastated when my owl didn’t come with my acceptance letter to Hogwarts. The point of my story is, no one appreciates it when I quote it or make Harry Potter related jokes eg. “wow those clouds look ominous, I think the dementors are coming!” or “you can’t say that word, it’s pretty much as bad as saying *whispers* Voldemort out loud!” I digress...

3. I can swear in multiple languages. I would list everything that I can say as it’s pretty impressive but some people might get offended. So I’ll just leave you with this: Chin chin wa oki desu.

4. I can throw javelins really far because I have abnormally long arms. I’m quite the brute. I never really fit in with the throwers when I was at school because I was lanky and awkward while all the other girls were short and muscular. I just got more leverage I guess but I do have the ability to put on muscle really easily, which is pretty funky.

5. I can burp on demand with gusto.

6. One time, I made raspberry sorbet and it tasted just like I got it from an ice cream store. Win.

7. I’m pretty much Wikipedia. I know so much useless information it’s ridiculous. Did you know teeth are the only part of the human body that can’t repair themselves? And that the most stolen item in the world is the bible? And that dolphins are the only animals capable of rape? Ok I’ll stop now....I see your eyes glazing over.

You heard it people. I got game. Now, if you would excuse me, I’ve gotta go and polish my encouragement medal I won for competition aerobics in year seven.